Vader and His Astonishing, MindBlogging Adventure
by LiTTlE PeRvY
Summary: Vader. Swim trunks. 'nuff said.


A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Vader discovered a secret so terrifying it melted his cape. He called his master to ask his advice as to what to do about it. But Palpatine laughed and scoffed, and refused to help. Vader began to lose his temper, which is never good. No one on board the Death Star would take a man with a melted cape seriously, after all.  
  
So Vader was eventually forced to take the matter into his own hands. Stalking from the communications room, he went to the ship's arcade and began to play "Whack the Ewok". Of course, this never ceased to intimidate his subordinates, for he always beat their scores. So the subordinates decided it was time for them to rise above the dark lord's intimidating skills. They grabbed their mallets and rushed the Dark Lord, desperately attempting to hit him on the head and screaming, "Whack the Sith! Whack the sith!"  
  
Unfortunately, for them, Vader's powers were beyond their comprehension and he blew them outside the airlock with a flick of his powerful tongue. The poor subordinates floated in the vacuum of space, screaming curses at the dark lord and doing ballet flips as their innards exploded. Vader would have laughed, had his scarred tissue allowed it, but as he could not he instead made the surviving officers laugh. He was so amused he made them laugh until they died of asphyxiation.  
  
As he left the room, the tattered remains of his once-glorious cape got caught in the blast doors and he stopped short, gagging. Overcome in a millisecond of grief, he bottled his emotions back up into a tiny ball and strode down the corridor, shredded cape resting in his gloves. He had been truly attached to that cape. Five years, he had had it . . . and it had lasted longer than any other. He knew that some food was in order, so, stuffing his tattered garments into the nearest waste disposal, he made his way to the Death Star's Galactic Meat King  
  
When he arrived he went to order his food, unfortunately for the cashier she had an IQ like most other fast food cashiers.  
  
Smacking loudly on her chewing gum, the bubbleheaded cashier blinked her huge blue eyes, "Lord Vader sir! How can I help you?" she gushed in a high-pitched, grating voice.   
  
Studying the blonde serendipitously, he idly wondered if she knew how to make two chilli burger patties, on a seaweed bun, shoved it with chilli-peppers, a slice of blue bacon, combined with a tangy lime green sauce. He gave her the order, and predictably, the girl gawked, her ignorance plain for all to see; the Dark Lord was not amused and wished for his Ewok mallet.  
  
Unfortunately, the dang thing just didn't fit on his belt, so he'd have to make do . . . mind tricks had far more uses than Jedi would admit. The girl's already blank eyes became glazed over, her jaw slack, but then right as Vader was about to make her stick her hand to the grill the girl snapped back to reality.  
  
"Oops! So clumsy!" the girl giggled, and batted her long lashes at the Dark Lord of the Sith, "If you'll just give me a minute, I'll make you the CheeryMeal!"  
  
Vader grumbled at the term she used, thoroughly annoyed with her behaviour, and therefore considering if he should make her his slave for the day.  
  
Taking a look at her vacant eyes, he decided not to - he couldn't stand stupid people.  
  
Instead, he hissed, "CheeryMeal? Does this" pointing to his mask "look like someone who would ever, in the farthest depths of the galaxy and beyond, ever eat something so horrifying?"  
  
The girl stuttered, "I, I . . . I'm sorry, sir? You just seemed like the cheery type, under that mask."  
  
Vader very briefly felt something inside him twinge, could it be...feelings?  
  
No, he realized, it was his stomach growling ... all this waiting was making him very angry, and this girl's attitude wasn't helping any. Hastily, the girl handed him his Cheery Meal, trembling somewhat as Vader grabbed the tray, pushed through the crowd of stormtroopers and found himself a chair and table. He opened the bright pink package, expecting to find a bantha burger, but instead, pulled out a small, stuffed shak.  
  
'Ahhhh', Vader thought, 'this brings back memories...I can almost smell the flowers...wait what am I thinking? This toy is evil, and I do NOT have fond memories!'  
  
With the power of the Force, Vader reduced the cute plush toy to a small pile of ashes in a matter of seconds.  
  
Beside him sat a small creature, with its tiny nose scrunched up at its giant-sized burger.   
  
The being looked up at Vader, then poked him in the shoulder, mumbling, "What's with the black fetish, dude?"  
  
'Black...', Vader thought, 'Black leather...corset...wedding night...ooooh...DAMN MEMORIES!'  
  
"This," Vader said quietly to the being, still not quite recovered from his 'Ani Episode' and fighting the urge to yell, "YIPEEE!" for no apparent reason, "is a life-support suit. I wear it because otherwise, I will die. I do not wish to die, but apparently YOU DO!"   
  
The being slowly slid away from the angry Sith, pushing his burger in the direction of Vader as an offering, his eyes clouded with silent tears. For a moment, the sight of those tears stirred something akin to pity in the Dark Lord's heart, but then he heard the lovely, commanding voice of his master in his head: "Feelings are for the weak, my young apprentice, you like only me."  
  
Vader imagined the deep, slightly ketchup coloured eyes of his master, very quickly banishing anything resembling pity or love from his heart. Vader sighed, why did he enjoy torturing himself so, going to this dreary cafeteria day after day, when all he wanted was the sand and the sun of home?  
  
Feeling unhappy with himself, he returned to his master's chambers, where he found Palpatine in a *very* uncomfortable position with the cashier from the cafeteria. Palpatine looked up from the girl's neck (which he'd been nibbling) and raised a slim eyebrow, drawling, "You wanted some entertainment, my young apprentice, or did the galaxy suddenly collapse?"   
  
Vader felt bile rise in his throat, HIS master cavorting with that...that...that THING sickened him....how could his master sink so low? Had he lowered his standards that much? Feeling intensely uncomfortable - his master looked best when you couldn't see him, after all - Vader muttered, "I'll just leave you to your, ah, CheeryMeal," and ran out the door. Feeling humiliated over his sudden lack of control in the lower areas of his suit, he decided he would take his yacht out for a spin, accompanied by a handful of his closest "friends".   
  
He walked to the flight decks, beckoning his two body guards and the Mouse robot who liked to drink in the dark hallways.  
  
Vader stepped out onto the yacht wearing his swim trunks, noticing the stares from the bodyguards and mouse robot he suddenly became aware of what was ON the swim trunks.  
  
Unbelievably, the grease from his meal had gotten onto his swimming trunks!  
  
One of the guards said, "Oh, no! You seem to have gotten some grease on your swimming trunks! Perhaps he," he indicated the mouse droid with a wave, "should help you clean up. And we could watch ..." the guard concluded, a strange look in his eye.  
  
Vader cast a murder look at the guard, straightened his shoulders, and dragged the guard into the only secure room in the ship, his quarters.  
  
After they were secure in his quarters, the dark lord lifted the guard by the back of his uniform, their noses touching, and murmured, "What is it with you guards? You all like to look at my butt in leather; don't think I haven't seen you doing it."  
  
The guard reached and stroked the top of Vader's shiny helmet, savouring the smoothness....that was to be his fatal mistake.   
  
Then, realizing his love was never meant to be - a Sith and a guard? - he tried to throw himself out the window, but failed as the duraglass wouldn't break.  
  
As the guard fell unconscious onto the floor, Vader sighed, "I always seem to have that effect on attractive young men."  
  
Staring down the poor young boy, he tensed, his senses warning him of someone attempting to outwit his intelligence and sneak up behind his muscular body - and booty.   
  
He looked at his behind in the mirror, then shrugged, thinking, 'I don't know what they see in it, but Padme was crazy about it. Hmm... how to exploit this....'  
  
Vader gave his booty a little shake, 'What was that noise,' he thought, 'it almost sounded like something short circuting', he whirled around and there on the floor was Porsche Mazaratti the mouse robot.   
  
The mouse robot had overloaded at the sight of Vader's shapely ass, he was sure.  
  
"Ah," thought Vader happily, as he dropped the poor guard and the overloaded droid into the trash compactor, "I guess I've still got it ... "  
  
That left him with only one guard to pilot the ship, and no company to supply him with entertainment, so naturally, he directed the guard to land the vessel on a nearby, although technologically primitive, inhabited planet.  
  
When he set foot on the planet, he was greeted by 6 half meter tall, snouty, beings with huge circular ears wearing spotted red shorts. "Welcome to the Park, sir!!!"  
  
"What are YOU?", Vader asked the trunked being. The being snorted, and turned to it's companion, some strange shiny thing and said "Tourists".  
  
"I am no mere tourist!" Vader roared, "I am Lord Vader! Grovel in fear before me!"  
  
The creature glanced at its companion, then at the little man in a black suit and swimming trunks. It promptly burst into laughter.  
  
Vader, having been insulted, especially since his swimming trunks had been designed to incoporate his stylish cherry-coloured breathing mask, stalked past the owners and entered the theme park.   
  
A few steps in, he was stopped by a large brown bear wearing a green tie and hat. "Where's me picnic basket, Boo Boo?"  
  
"Boo Boo", Vader screamed, "I have never been so insulted in all my LIFE!"   
  
"Aw, don't be gouchy, little fella! Go on over here and have some fun with the other kiddies," shouted the bear genially, throwing Vader near the front of a long line of people.  
  
The anger rose in Vader... that bear was going to get it! But then he saw that the 'kiddies' were Go-karting. Vader loved karting. And he was good at it. 'I'll show them all', he thought, pushing his way to the front of the line. 


End file.
